A Series of Paranormal Events: Bad Beginnings
by Sugary Snicket
Summary: Danny, Sam and Tucker Fenton are forced to go through troubling circumstances. DP ASOUE crossover. Some violence.
1. Prolouge

_Well, I finally got this story finished….. It took me long enough, didn't it? Anyhoo, for those who know and love Danny Phantom, this story's for you guys and gals. (Danny is hawt, isn't he?) ASOUE fans, this has the plot of the first three books, so it's for you guys and gals too. Thanks to everyone out there that reviewed my previous stories, I love y'all in a non-sexual way; you are like my second set of friends. Anyone here from 667 dark avenue forums, HI! It's Orphanedhope13! Well, enjoy……._

**_DISCLAIMER: I don't own Danny Phantom or A Series of Unfortunate Events. The latter of the two is created by Lemony Snicket/Daniel Handler. Butch Hartman is the creator of Danny Phantom. Thanks to them both. Without them, this story never could have been a possibility._**

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Prologue

If you like stories involving the winning of trophies or adorable puppies, then you are not alone. I myself am a fan of these things, but alas, my job is not to document those types of things. My job is to document the lives of the Fenton Orphans, which are almost so terrible that I cannot bring myself to speak about them. Within the confines of this story are such terrible things as ghostly villains, snakes, countless disguises, a terrible storm, and a horrible man with a devious plan. If you actually enjoy these types of things, I have two questions for you, the first of which is "What the heck is wrong with you?", and the second of which is "Do you have any tissues with you?", because all of the terrible things that these teenagers must endure is about to begin.


	2. In which the story begins

_Okay, so the prologue was kind of lame. It's only the prologue. Can you blame me? This next chapter will be way, way, way, way, way, way better, I promise. So, here ya go, A Series of Paranormal Events, Chapter one! YAAAAAAAAAAY!_

Our story begins on Briny Beach one cloudy afternoon, which the Fenton children preferred, because scarcely anyone was there except for them. Although all three children were the same age, they had been born at different times. Daniel Fenton, the eldest by five seconds, was glancing out at sea and watching the waves bob up and down, occasionally carrying a piece of driftwood with it. Daniel, or Danny, as he preferred to be called, had a very remarkable trait that most people do not have: superpowers that were the result of an accident in his parents' lab. The Fenton parents were ghost hunters, meaning that they took no greater pleasure in trying to find and capture ghosts, and they had recently created a device known as the Fenton Portal. Egged on by his siblings to explore it, Danny entered the portal, accidentally turning it on in the process. From then on, Danny had pursued rouge spirits, trying to capture them and release them into their world, known simply as "The Ghost Zone". On this particular afternoon, however, Danny was hovering over the water in full-ghost mode, practicing his skills on bits of flotsam and jetsam floating in the stone-grey murk by sending blasts of energy at them, effectively vaporizing them.

Samantha Fenton, or Sam, as _she_ preferred to be called, was Goth, a word which here means "Often dressed in black and had a gloomy outlook on life." The middle child of the family, she was a writer, and occasionally wrote poetry, with a large vocabulary and love for the English language. Today, for instance, she was just finishing up the last bits of a poem on the constellations. Oftentimes, she could be found in bed with a flashlight in one hand and a pad of paper and a pen in the other, having fallen asleep from staying up so late to finish her latest piece of work.

Tucker Fenton, the youngest member of the siblings, was an inventor, and he enjoyed fiddling with computers and robots to see how they worked, revamping them so that they could perform new tasks, such as clean his bedroom. The only thing preventing him from speaking about them was the fact that he was mute and could only speak in sign language, meaning that usually only his family could understand what he was saying. This never stopped Tucker from doing what he enjoyed doing, however, and today he had brought his tools and several computer chips down to the beach, so he could work on creating a computerized rock polisher, to polish the different rocks he found in the sand.

All in all, the children were not paying one bit of attention to the banker strolling towards them.

Tucker was the first to notice. He nudged Sam and pointed to the person. Sam looked up from her poem, watched the person for a few moments, and then turned back to Tucker and saying, "It's Mr. Poe."

"Mr. Poe? But he's a banker; what's he doing looking for us on Briny Beach?" Tucker singed.

"I'm not sure," Sam replied grimly, "But I'm sure it's not to say hello." She watched Danny alight on the sandy beach and switch into his human form, immediately in front of Mr. Poe in an attempt to give him a good scare. Sure enough, Mr. Poe jumped in surprise as soon as Danny landed, laughing.

"Oh, man, that never fails!" Danny said, tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. "I can't believe he still falls for that!" Danny suddenly stopped laughing as Sam shot a sharp glance in his direction.

"Hello, children," Mr. Poe said, and the children noted that he did not sound particularly cheerful, as he usually did. "I've been sent to tell you something….. important."

"What is that?" Tucker signed.

"It's about….. your parents."

"What about our parents?" Sam asked, a vague feeling of disaster in the back of her mind. Mr. Poe sighed before continuing.

"I'm not exactly sure how to word this….."

"Why don't you just tell us the straight truth?" Danny asked.

"I'm terribly sorry to tell you this," Mr. Poe said, in a tone reflecting absolutely no regret whatsoever, "But there was a fire at your house."

The Fenton siblings gasped in shock.

"And our parents?" Danny asked, nearly choking on his words. "What about our parents?"

Mr. Poe looked at the ground, reached into his pocket, and drew out a small, charred piece of their mother's jumpsuit.

"This was all that they could find. Evidence reports that there were no survivors."

The siblings stared at the banker, unable to speak at all, as if they had been frozen in time. If what Mr. Poe had just said was true – which, I'm sorry to report, was - then he had just permanently altered their lives forever.

"But what about us?" Sam asked. "Where will we live?"

"Fortunately," Mr. Poe announced grandly, "I have found a home for you with your dear Uncle Vladimir, but he asks that you call him either Count Vlad or father."

"But we don't know any Count named Vlad," Danny said.

"Of course you do. He is your mother's brother's aunt's uncle's cousin, and he's very nearby. He lives about thirty-seven blocks from here."

"I don't think that 'very nearby' means thirty-seven blocks from here," Tucker signed, but nobody had time to translate as Mr. Poe ushered, a word that when used in this context means "pushed", the children into his small car and drove them off to their new home. Just like that, the Fenton children became the Fenton orphans.

_WEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL didja like it? I hope so! Reviews are much appreciated. Stay tuned for Chapter two!_


	3. In which there is ruin and fear

_Welcome back to my story. If you have just gotten here, here's a little recap for you: The Fenton Children, Danny, Sam, and Tucker, have recently become orphans after their house burned to the ground, and if you know ASOUE as well as I do, then I don't need to explain any further. Here, just enjoy chapter two. Sorry it took so long._

Before the children were to go live with Count Vlad, Mr. Poe stopped at their house – or what was left of their house, anyway – to see if anything had not been ruined, and it was quite possibly the worst day in the siblings' lives. The only thing left standing in their parents' lab was the charred frame of the Fenton Portal that had given Danny his powers. All of Sam's poetry had been burned to a crisp, and several of her favorite pens had been melted. She picked up one, a marbleized black one with silver bands and a little crystal-eyed spider at the top. It was hot, and the spider was ruined, but it was not burned. Sam pocketed it, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Tucker had found where his studio was, and found that most of his tools had survived. His screwdriver's handle was charred, but not melted, and his hammer had been singed slightly, but not burnt. For his projects however, it was a different story. The project he had been currently working on, an automatic door opener, was destroyed. The computer chip had been melted and the circuits were fried completely.

Danny hovered over the ruins silently, surveying the scene from above. Finding where his room once stood, he landed. He noticed something glinting in the ashes and picked it up. It was a small, metal pin, with a strange-looking eye on it. Danny had never seen it before in his life, so he knew it was not his. He found his father's desk a few feet away and opened the blackened lid. To his surprise, he found a badge with the same eye and his father's name: JACK FENTON. Danny was confused. Why had his father hidden this from him? Why didn't he tell Danny or his siblings about this eye? And what significance could the eye possibly have? Danny pocketed both, deciding to figure it all out later.

Mr. Poe honked his car horn, having found some suitcases among the rubble and placed them in the car's trunk. The children reformed their group, and, looking back at their home one last time, got into the car and watched their neighborhood become unfamiliar territory. The buildings became nicer. The road rattled as they drove over cobblestones. And the sky became overcast, showing that a storm was on its way. Finally, around noon, Mr. Poe dropped the children off in their new neighborhood.

The children looked at the home they were in front of. It was the cleanest house on the entire street, with a very beautiful garden full of exotic-looking flowers in it. A woman was amid them, but the vines were so tall that she could hardly be seen over them. She noticed the children and smiled, walking out of the plants, and the children could see that she was wearing a purple sundress. "Hello," she said, smiling. "You must be the Fentons. I'm Justice Manson, the high court judge around this neighborhood."

"Hi," Danny said. "I'm Danny Fenton, and this is my sister, Sam, and my brother, Tucker. It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too," Justice Manson said.

"You seem to like flowers a lot," Tucker signed.

Justice Manson looked confused for a second, then asked "Does your brother speak sign language?"

"Yes," Sam said. "He's not able to talk. He can hear just fine, though."

"I know a little bit about sign language; I think I might have some books about it in my library."

"You have a private library?" Danny asked.

"Yes. If you like, you may come over some time and pick out a book to read, as long as you keep them all in good condition."

"That would be nice," Sam said. "So, where is your husband?"

Justice Manson looked confused again, then said, "I'm not married."

"But I though you were married to Count Vlad," Danny said.

"No, I'm not," Justice Manson said as if she feared even saying his name. "He's my neighbor." With that, she pointed across the street to a dilapidated – the word 'dilapidated' here means "gloomy, depressing, and frightening" – house.

"Let's sleep _outside_," Tucker signed to his siblings, who nodded in agreement. Of course, they could not sleep outside, and so bravely walked up to the front door of the house. Sam knocked on the door firmly and then stepped back, noticing something carved into the peeling door.

"Why," Sam asked, "Would anyone carve an eye into their front door?"

"To scare people, maybe," Danny said, looking at the warped posts holding up the front porch. The posts looked as if they would give way any second and the roof would fall, crushing the children flat. The orphans shivered in fright as the front door opened with a long, terrifying _creak_, and giving the children their first glimpse of Count Vlad.

He was tall, and dressed in a messy black tuxedo. His silvery-grey hair had been pulled back into a ponytail, in a failed attempt to hide its greasy appearance. But it was his eyes that gave the Fentons the creeps. He gazed down at each child in a sinister way, as if they were a part of an all-you-can-eat buffet, and he was choosing which side dish to eat first. He watched the children look at him in fear and smiled an unconvincing smile.

"Welcome, children," he said in a rough voice that was obviously meant to sound kind. "Please do come in, and try not to track any mud indoors. I just finished mopping." The children looked at one another in a frightened way and entered the house, realizing what a pointless thing Vlad had just said. The front room itself was as gloomy, depressing, and frightening as the outside of the house, and the sight of it was enough to make the children wish they could run all the way to their house and jump into their beds, but of course they could not, and so rather than stare at the room, they stared down at the floor and at Vlad's shoes, and noticed two things that were very disturbing. First of all, Vlad was not wearing socks, which is never a good way to make a first impression, and it is very easy to see why this would be disturbing. But it wasn't this that made the children's eyes widen in fear. It was the fact that, on Vlad's left ankle, was a tattoo of an eye, staring back at the children in a frightening manner. The children wondered if there were other eyes hidden around the house, and if it would always seem like Count Vlad was watching them, even when he wasn't nearby.

_Fun fact: When I was writing this chapter, I made Count Vlad so frightening that even I was scared.Now that I__have an interesting storyline, PLEEEEEEEEASE REVIEW!_


	4. In which there is misery and woe

_Hey, everyone! I'm okay! I didn't die on ya or anything! I've just been really swamped with homework, so I haven't had much of a chance to get my story updated, let alone type the chapters out! Here's chapter three!_

_**Disclaimer:** I do not own Jello**®** brand gelatin dessert. If I did, I would be sooooo rich. But I don't. So screw it. I don't own Danny Phantom or any of its characters, and I don't own A Series of Unfortunate Events or any of the "Unfortunate Events" that take place in it. (And I thankfully DON'T own the Box Ghost, or the "Where's the Beef?" fad of the eighties. Oh, the things one can learn from "I Love the Eighties" and VH1….)_

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I'm sure you've noticed something about first impressions, and this is that they are usually wrong. For example, you might pick up a book or movie and think that you will not like it, but when you become older, you may love it. When Sam was younger, she despised vegetables, but now she prefers to be a vegetarian. In the case of Count Vlad, however, the Fentons' first impressions – that he was a vile, sinister man – turned out to be correct. Every morning, the children found a note on the kitchen counter, listing various odd jobs that were to be done – usually very laborious tasks, a phrase which here means "They were excruciatingly tough." After this, it was up to the children to hunt for food in Vlad's massive cellar, using a reaching tool Tucker had invented to reach the high shelves.

The next morning, however, the children found the usual note along with a twenty dollar bill. "'Orphans,'" Danny read aloud, "'My theater troupe is coming over for dinner tonight. You are to prepare dinner for all eight of us.'" "But none of us now how to cook," Sam protested. "The last thing I made was a cake in that oven Tucker made." "And that turned out to be a disaster," Danny said, smiling. "It tasted even worse," Tucker signed, and his siblings nodded in agreement. These small memories, no matter how long ago they had taken place, always made the children feel better, even on the most miserable of days.

"Perhaps Justice Manson has a cookbook we could borrow," Tucker signed, leading his siblings towards the front door.

"Thank you very much for allowing us to use your cookbook," Sam said. "Don't mention it," the judge said, dismissing the reply with a small wave. "But it strikes me as odd as to why Vlad wants you to make dinner for him, his friends, and you." "He gives us a lot of responsibility," Sam said, although she wished she could say "Count Vlad is forcing us to do this, and he really belongs in jail for child abuse," as Sam flipped the pages of the cookbook. She stopped briefly, flipped back a page, and read the recipe on the page. "I've got one," she said, and her siblings crowded around to see what she had found.

"Here," she said, pointing to the page. "Puttanesca. The only things we need are noodles, anchovies, garlic, olives, and tomatoes." "Sounds delicious," Tucker signed. "I just hope Vlad thinks so," Danny said grimly. "Maybe if we serve something delicious, he'd be a little kinder to us."

After shopping for ingredients (and Jello for dessert), the children proceeded to cook the dinner. Sam chopped the tomatoes, anchovies, olives, and garlic and mixed them together to make the sauce, while Danny heated the underside of the pan with his ghost energy, and Tucker mixed and tested the Jello for consistency and boiled the noodles with Danny's help. Because Danny's spectral beam was so intense, it quickly cooked the sauce to a simmer, and softened the noodles to Al Dente, a culinary phrase which here means "Medium firm, and the way Sugary Snicket prefers her Raimen Noodles." The Fentons had just finished pouring the Jello into an eye-shaped mold (to please the villains who would be eating it) when Vlad entered the kitchen to check up on them.

"We've finished, Count Vlad," Sam said in a slightly meek voice. Vlad gave each orphan an evil, penetrating glare, then said "Good." He stalked off towards the dining room, followed by several strange-looking people (And ghosts; Danny could tell because his ghost sense had gone off) that looked as if they'd be very unpleasant to meet in a dark alley at night. There was a ghost with flaming green hair, toting several dangerous-looking weapons. There was a man that had hooks instead of hands, and a fat ghost that was wearing overalls and a skullcap, and looked very stupid. There were two ghosts who, on closer inspection, actually were two very much alive women with white powder all over their faces, and several more that were so unpleasant that I cannot describe them without having to abandon this story and hide underneath my end table. The over-alled ghost stopped in front of Sam, glaring at her.

"You are quite pretty," he said in an annoying, nasally voice. "I'd be careful if I were you, for I AM THE BOX GHOST!" The ghost laughed a laugh that was undoubtedly suppose to be evil, causing Danny to become annoyed, Sam to become confused, and Tucker to become vexed, a fancy term for "Confused and annoyed."

A sudden strict pounding sound came from the dining room, as if someone were pounding the dining room table in rhythm. The children sighed and gathered the two pots of sauce and noodles and started to serve Vlad and his crew. The villainous crowd stared at the food each child ladled onto their plate. Then, they stared at Vlad, who calmly asked "Where's the beef?"

"OH, I LOVE THAT COMMERCIAL!" the Box Ghost yelled. Vlad glared at him.

"Uh, you didn't specify that you wanted to have roast beef for dinner," Danny said, " so we made Puttanesca instead. It's an Italian dish." "I KNOW what it is," Vlad said, annoyed, "And I also know what it is not." He jumped onto the table and started to walk on it as if it were the red carpet. The other villains stood up, as if bracing themselves for something. "I graciously took you orphans into my home," Vlad said, anger rising in his voice, "I gave you clothing, room and board, and food, and _this_ is the thanks that I get!" At this point, Vlad suddenly and swiftly proceeded to kick the plates of food off the table, making quite a mess and unintentionally (or intentionally, I couldn't tell from the evidence witnesses gave me) hitting Danny in the face with noodles and sauce.

"Okay, that's it," Tucker signed, "You are WAY out of line!" "What are you doing?" Vlad asked. "Is that supposed to be karate?"

If you know anything about the fine art that is sign language, then you know that it is simply a way to communicate if one cannot speak normally, and is in no way used for fighting. Count Vlad, however, either didn't know this or didn't care, because he assumed a karate-like stance and swiftly struck Tucker across the face, knocking him over. Sam and Danny knelt beside their brother and helped him up, then walked up to their bedroom, ignoring the terrible laughter of the villains downstairs.

The orphans' room was quite small and dark, with only one small bed and no windows. The sight of this depressing room only seemed to remind the children of their desperate situation and was enough to make Tucker start crying, not so much from his face, which still stung like fire, but from how miserable their lives were as of late.

"This is not fair," Tucker signed. "Why do we have to have such terrible luck?" "The world isn't always fair, Tuck," Danny said. "No wait. Scratch that. It's _never_ fair. How is it fair that kids at school always teased Sam for being herself? How is it fair that you can't speak?" Danny walked over to the bed and phased his hand through it. "How is it fair that I'm the only person alive who can do _this?_" He phased his had back through the bed. "It's not. I know that you're sad because our parents are….. are…."

"Dead," Sam said bitterly, nearly choking on the word. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Yeah, what Sam said," Danny said. "I know it's hard. We're sad, too." Tears welled in his eyes as well. "We've got to be diligent. We just have to cope right now. I'm sure things will get better soon."

"I wouldn't bet on it," Sam said, her voice laden with sobs, and I'm sorry to tell you this, but Sam's words turned out to be correct. The Fentons, however, could not yet know the falseness of these words.

Suddenly, their solitude was broken by loud, boisterous laughter. "That sounds like Count Vlad," Danny said. "Tucker, can you listen in on the conversation and tell us what they're talking about?" Tucker nodded, crept as close to the door as he could, and listened carefully.

"So, does everyone understand the plan?" Vlad said. "Yes, boss," several voices said. "Wait!" the Box Ghost yelled. "I don't understand the idea!"

Several troupe members sighed. Vlad sighed, too, and explained his plan. "Tomorrow," he said, "at eight-thirty, I will cast the orphans in a play. They will perform in it, with Samantha cast as my bride. I will cast that ridiculous judge as herself. Because a legal guardian can permit a child of Samantha's age to marry, and because the marriage laws in this community say that the only things she need to do are sign a piece of paper and say "I do" while in the prescience of a judge, Samantha Fenton – and the Fenton fortune, respectively – will both be mine." "But what purpose will the female serve after the fortune is yours?" the Box Ghost asked. There was a pause, and Tucker was certain that Vlad was smiling evilly.

"None," Vlad said evilly. "Her siblings will have mysteriously drowned at Briny Beach, whereas Samantha – well, that's a secret, now, isn't it?" The villains laughed cruelly and Tucker slid away from the door, a look of absolute horror on his face.

"Sam," Tucker signed quickly, "We are in grave danger. The Count is planning to steal a fortune that we're supposed to inherit."

"We have a fortune?" Danny said. "Mom and dad never mentioned that." "I didn't know about it either," Tucker signed, "But in order to get it, he plans to cast all of us in a play and marry you on stage, but it's not going to be a pretend wedding. You'll really be his wife." Sam blushed. "But I'm fourteen. I can't get married yet," she said, turning away in embarrassment. "I don't plan on getting hitched until I'm at least twenty."

"Not if Vlad can help it," Tucker signed. "He's going to marry you tomorrow night if we don't do something quick. Besides, I overheard them saying that you can get married if your legal guardian says you may. Vlad is our legal guardian."

Danny and Sam gasped in horror.

"But that's not even the half of it," Tucker signed. "If Vlad succeeds, you'll be left in a very unfortunate predicament. He even said he'd do something very, very bad to you."

"But what is it that he plans to do?" Sam asked, horrified.

"He didn't say what was to become of you, Sam," Tucker signed, fear shining in his eyes. "But he plans to drown Danny and I."

"Oh no," Sam said, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," a familiar and sinister voice said behind the children. The Fentons whirled to see Vlad standing in the doorway, closing the door behind him. The orphans heard the faint click of the deadbolt as Vlad locked the door. What Sam had said about their situation getting worse was true, and it was happening right in front of them. The children could only gaze up at Vlad in fear, knowing that things were about to get much, much worse.

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_SOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO…… Whaddaya think? And now, a brief, meaningless song about the cliffhanger of the story:_

_**Oh, cliffhanger! Hanging from a cliff…..**_

_**And that's why it's called cliffhanger!**_

_Well, review, review, review! I'll give you a fresh-baked digital muffin:D_


	5. In which the marriage commences

_Welcome back, loyal readers! And now, I have a brief message to my loyal reviewers (Its to the tune of the Canine Advantix™ song The one with the puppy):_

_Hello, reviewers._

_How are you-ers?_

_Here's a song that_

_Is brand new-ers._

_If you don't like it,_

_Well, that is that, then._

_Guess I'll just have to harass defenseless chickens._

_If you continue,_

_You'll get something_

_And you'll like it,_

'_cause it's yummy._

_If you review this_

_Story that's great,_

_I'll give all of you guys some digital pancakes!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own ASOUE, DP, The Marvelous Marriage, or Canine Advantix™ . I do, however, own Sugary Snicket's Homemade Digital Treats, inc. (Yes, the pancakes have chocolate chips in them. I hate it when people ask me that.)_

If you have ever been backstage at a theatrical production before, you can understand how strenuous and hectic it is, especially if you are the one about to perform. The Fenton children, however, had never been backstage before, and had very mixed feelings about their situation. On one hand, it was fascinating to see how the actors could be changed into their characters simply by changing their make-up and clothes, and if they had not been the ones performing in the play, they would have been awestricken by the pandemonium of people trying to set the stage, practice their lines to get them just perfect, and stagehands trying to hasten the actors by yelling that they were on in five minutes or less. The situation was, of course, a dreadful one, because Sam may actually be married, but although Danny and Tucker were dressed as a horse, and although Sam had put on a frilly white dress to discover, with mild horror, that she was now in a bridal gown, there was a certain thrill to being on stage, but the Fentons had no time to be star-struck. They needed to figure out a way to end Vlad's vile plan before it was too late.

"Hello, what's this?" Vlad sneered, noticing that the children were not anywhere near the stage yet. "Horse, you are due on stage in five minutes; bride, come with me."

As the two walked on stage, and the sinister performance began, Sam reluctantly – 'reluctantly' is a word which here means "against her will, because Vlad had a firm hold on it" - offered her right hand, the hand that she usually used while writing down her poetry and stories. She glanced at the judge – being played by Justice Manson, as Vlad had said – and silently pleaded that she would prevent this from happening. But alas, although I wish it were so, she did nothing but start her lines, which she read directly from her judge's marriage ceremony.

If you have ever been to a wedding before, much as I was forced to do several years back, then you know how the ceremony goes, with the bride and groom exchanging their vows and promising that they shall not leave each other until they die – which, as you and I both know, doesn't really stop the from getting divorced if they really get on each other's nerves. Then they usually say "I do," and there's this big kissing scene, of course, and the guests usually leave with tears in their eyes from sheer joy, if not from boredom. This is why, if you have ever been to a wedding (or IN a wedding), then I (thankfully) have no reason to describe the scene to you. The only thing that I must tell you, however, is that Sam had signed the document with her left hand – possibly saving her life. Vlad, however, did not know this yet.

"And so, there is now no reason to continue our performance," Vlad announced, "for its purpose has been served. This has not been a work of fiction. I am now Count Vlad Fenton, and therefore in control of the entire Fenton estate. My marriage to Samantha Fenton is legal; it was in the presence of a judge, I have the legal document, and there's nothing that any of you can do about it."

"But Samantha," announced a voice who was none other than Mr. Poe, "is fourteen. She's not old enough to marry anyone."

"But law implies that she is allowed to be wed if her legal guardian – me – allows her to. The fortune is mine and Samantha is my countess!"

"Actually," Sam said, "I'm not. At least I don't think so, anyway. The bride is supposed to sign in her own hand, but I signed with my left."

"So?" shouted a crowd member.

"I am right-handed. I therefore didn't technically sign in my own hand."

"Well, then," Justice Strauss said, "this marriage is NOT legal, Samantha is NOT Vlad's countess, and YOU, Vlad, are under arrest for child abuse." With that, she swiftly tore the document in two as the angry audience advanced.

Suddenly, the lights went out, plunging the crowd into darkness and panic. An image of a light switch flashed in Sam's mind suddenly, and she began to search for it, groping along the walls. Just as she felt the lever, she felt a pair of eyes on her and a hand on her shoulder. "I will be back," whispered Vlad menacingly, "for you and your fortune. I am a master of disguise. I can follow you anywhere, and you wouldn't even know it until I struck! And once the fortune is mine; THEN you will truly have something to fear, Samantha Fenton!"

Sam cried out in terror and flipped the switch, but Count Vlad and his cohorts, a word which here means "Henchpeople", were long gone.

As Mr. Poe loaded the children and their things into his car and drove them off to their new home, the orphans wondered exactly where they would go next. They soon would find out.

_Wow, that was short. Well, TBB is done; now to work my insane and twisted ways on TRR… Mwahahaha… Is evil_

_Review please!_


	6. In which they meet their new guardian

_Well, here we are. Book two. I can't believe how far I've come already. I still need to make plans for the sequel to this story. LOL. Welcome newcomers, and to my loyal reviewers, welcome back. Thanks for all the input, it's really helping. Please enjoy chapter five of my little story._

There is a place not far from where you live that is called paradise by some. This place is actually a road, where everyone is singing and dancing and people are oh-so-happy. It's a road called Imagination.

This road is not the one that the Fenton orphans were traveling on, unfortunately.

Right now they were busy traveling down a road surrounded by swampy marshland and were on their way to their new home. "Dr. Montgomery, your new guardian, is a scientist," Mr. Poe said. "What does he do?" Danny asked. He was thinking that perhaps Dr. Montgomery would have some ghost-hunting equipment, like his parents had used, that could help him in his work. "I'm not sure," Mr. Poe said, "I didn't have time to chit-chat. Oh, look, we're here!"

The children looked out the window and saw a large house with sculptures of snakes and other reptiles littering the front lawn. As the children walked past them, they wondered if their new guardian would be kind person, especially after the way Count Vlad had treated them – or mistreated, to be more accurate. The front door opened to reveal a smiling man with a boa constrictor draped around his neck. "Hello, children," he said, "I am your Uncle Monty."

The first few days at their new home were very interesting, and I'm sure that you are questioning the boa constrictor and the sculptures by now. You see, Monty was a herpetologist – that is, he studied snakes and other reptiles – and this fascinated Samantha Fenton and her brothers greatly.

One night the orphans were lead into a grand room filled with several snakes and lizards as well as a few amphibians. "I call it the Reptile Room," their guardian explained. "Isn't it magnificent? This is the result of years of research and collecting of specimens." "Why is it called the Reptile Room," Tucker signed inquisitively, "If there are amphibians in it as well?" "Ahh, Tucker, you speak in sign language," Monty said, smiling. "You see, when I first began my work, I only took care of reptiles. I later expanded my research. Oh, before I forget, would you like to see my latest discovery?" The siblings nodded eagerly, a word that here means "indicating that they thought it would be fun to see a newly discovered species of snake."

Monty lead them to a large cage with a huge black snake inside. "This," he said, "Is the Incredibly Deadly Viper." The children gazed with wide eyes and watched it slowly slither towards the door of the cage. The Viper pondered the children for a moment, then swiftly flicked open the lock with its tail and and struck Tucker's arm. Tucker staggered back a bit, then smiled and petted the large creature. Sam and Danny looked at Uncle Monty in confusion.

"The name," he proclaimed, "Is a misnomer. The Incredibly Deadly Viper is harmless!"

The children glanced at each other, and then laughed, half out of relief for their brother, and half out of the fact that they had been frightened by such a gentle creature. Their happiness soon faded, however, when the doorbell rang. "We'll get it," Danny offered, as he and his siblings raced to the front door.

As soon as they answered it, however, the children foud to their dismay that there, in the doorway, was a person that they had hoped never to see again.

"Hello, my name is Stephano," the man said, but he could not hide his true identity from the children underneath a false-sounding Italian accent. "No, you aren't," Danny replied, shocked with the sheer audacity of Vlad thinking that he could just waltz into their new home and destroy their lives - again. "You're Count Vlad, and we aren't letting you inside this house."

"I'm terribly sorry that you feel that way," Stephano said menacingly. His eyes glittered with malice, a phrase which here means "Shone in a most unpleasent way." "You're still as persnicketty as ever, and I see that Samantha hasn't recovered from her foot injury yet."

"My foot is just fine," Sam said nervously, glancing at her bare feet in order to make sure. "Is that so?" Stephano said, grinning deviously. "If I recall, I believe that there was once a man who became so startled from repeatedly being called by the wrong name that his grip slipped on a knife he was holding and accidentally chopped off one of poor Samantha Fenton's toes."

_But our sister has ten toes, _Tucker signed.

"Oh really?" He reached into his coat pocket and withdrew a large and rusty knife.

At that moment, Uncle Monty entered the hallway. "Oh, hello," he said cordially, "You must be the new assistaint. Children, will you please help him with his things while I show him around?"

The children gave each other unsure glances, but regardless, dragged the heavy luggage into the guest bedroom. They still couldn't shake the feeling that Uncle Monty was in grave danger, and I'm sorry to say that they were correct.

_CLIFFHANGER! O.o What will happen to the Fenton orphans next? What will Count Vlad attempt next? Will pancakes appear in this story? ...Okay, so for those of you who have read ASOUE, you know what happens next. Oh well, there goes my rockin' cliffhanger end... Review and you get cookies! xD_


	7. In which there is death and they move on

_Yo, it's me again, welcoming you to chapter six of this woeful yarn. If you've made it this far, you obviously haven't been attacked by anything, murdered, or tied up inside of a closet somewhere. This chapter marks the end of book two, and the start of book three. And, on a different note, I will start ASOPE2: Forsaken Friendships sometime this coming Summer/Fall. Expect that one to contain books 5, 6, and 7. The triquel will be called ASOPE3: Austere Accusations and will feature books 8, 4, and 10 (Yeah, so I went out of order, and I forgot 9. I hate book 9. Nothing really happens in book 9 anyway. :P I'll put any information in book 9 into the 'Snicket File' For now, the Snicket file, anyway, I might change the name to perhaps the Foley File. I've yet to use Tucker's last name anywhere!) The Quadquel will be called ASOPE: Misery Managed And will feature books 11, 12, and 13. Expect the last woeful tale to come out finished sometime in Summer/Fall of next year. And, of course, keep an eye out for updates on previous, unfinished fanfics, a few one-shots, and an untitled Quiglet Cliff scene poem. (This poem does not rhyme. It's a free-form poem type thing.)_

_Disclaimer: The charicters here aren't mine. Oh, and I don't own Whoppers malted milk balls. I unfortunately do, however, have an allergy to ragweed._

Over the next few days, Stephano would randomly flash the knife at Danny, Sam, and Tucker when their guardian was not looking or in the the room with them. When Danny, for instance, got up to get a midnight snack, Stephano would accompany him to the kitchen, all the while holding the Knife to Danny's back as a warning. When Sam attempted to talk with Uncle Monty, Stephano would shoot her a malice-filled - a word which here means "full of hatred and evil" - glare. And when Tucker tried to steal the knife from Stephano so he could not be threatened with it, Stephano would wheel and swiftly hold the knife to Tucker's throat.

All in all, the children were more afraid for their own well-being than for their guardian's, so they were taken by complete surprise one morning whilst walking downstairs not to hear their uncle's voice rebounding upstairs, as they so often did in the morning.

Death is a strange thing, especially when someone you know is the dead person. It's a bit like going downstairs in the dark, and thinking that you have one more step than you do. You find your foot on thin air instead of a wooden step, and you feel a sudden shock and fear that the rest of your body may follow. As soon as the orphans walked into the reptile room, shouting the name of their guardian over and over, they felt this strange sense of falling as soon as they saw Uncle Monty slumped over at his desk. Sam shook him, thinking him to be sleeping - that is, until she saw that his eyes were wide open, staring in shock. Sam felt something wet on the palm of her hand and glanced down.

The palm of her hand, along with the back of Uncle Monty's shirt, was covered in blood.

Sam yanked back her hand in horror, Danny stared in terrified shock, and Tucker, who had always been a bit squeamish, threw up.

"Oh, God," Sam said in a terrified whisper, "We have to get out of here!"

"Oh, you aren't going anywhere..." said a familiar voice.

The orphans all recognized Count Vlad, although he was in disguise, just by his sneaky tone of voice. Vlad closed and padlocked the door behind him, then took a menacing step towards the frightened children.

"Sam?" Tucker signed with shaking hands, "What do we do now?"

"I've got an idea," Sam said. She whispered something to Danny, who nodded eagerly, then she pointed to one of the large windows that lead to the front yard, then bolted. Danny went into full ghost mode and began to zap wildly at Vlad's feet.

"Arrggh!" Vlad cried out, trying to dodge the green bolts of hot energy. Danny laughed. "Dance, monkey boy, DANCE!"

Tucker grabbed a chair and flung it out the window, while Sam ran towards it and jumped out. Tucker followed suit, then Danny finally stopped zapping and flew outside as well, straight into a waiting and slightly impatient Mr. Poe.

"Samantha, what ever is the matter?" Mr. Poe asked. "Why are youre hands covered in red paint?" "There's no time to explain," Danny said, "Uncle Monty is dead, and -" "You need a new guardian," Mr. Poe interrupted. "That's what I was just here to tell you. This was supposed to be your temporary home. I'm here to pick you up. Now, get in the car whilst I gather your things."

The children were soon on their way to yet another home, but I'm sorry to say that their expierience on Dismal Dock would be even more unfortunate.

* * *

Allergies are bizzare things. For instance, I happen to be allergic to ragweed - a golden-hued, grass-like flower - for a portion of the year, and as I - and anyone else who has allergies - will tell you, if you have an allergy to something, it is best to stay far away from it.

And so it was with Danny, Sam, and Tucker Fenton as they peered into the small paper bags of Whoppers that Mr. Poe had given them. They had politely thanked him, even though he kept forgetting about the Fentons' allergy to malted milk.

The children were standing in front of a large house that was built partway off of a rocky promontory overlooking a stormy lake.

"Who in their right mind would build a house half way off of a cliff?" Danny asked.

"Not a clue," Sam said, approaching the door, "But they must be awfully brave. And the view from that high must be very inspiring." Tucker knocked on the door.

"Hello?" a female voice shouted fearfully. "Who is it? You aren't realators, are you?"

"No," Sam said, giving her siblings a strange look. "We're the Fentons."

"Oh good," the voice responded. "I'm absolutely terrified of realators."

The old wooden door creaked open to reveal a tall, thin, and pale woman. She seemed a bit skittish, a word which here means 'jumpy'. She nervously glanced around, but smiled a small smile once she laid eyes on the children. "Hello," she said in a soft voice. "I'm your Aunt Josephine."

_Well, that's the end of TRR, and the beginning of TWW. I hope that the next few chapters are as enjoyable as the first few, and the middle few, and even this one. Please review!_


	8. In which they shop and meet Vlad AGAIN

_Welcome to the next chapter of 'Paranormal Events'. I hope you enjoy this as much as the last chapters, and if you don't, well... I suppose I'm not a very good writer then._

_**DISCLAIMER:** Nothing in this story is mine. I'd thought you'd get that after being told six times. I do, however, own my phobia of wasps._

There are two main types of fears in the world: ones that make sense, and ones that do not. For instance, the Fenton orphans' fear of Count Vlad is very sensible, because he had done so many horrible things to them, all within a few weeks, but if they were afraid of pants, that would be just plain rediculous. I am terrified of wasps, which are small, black and yellow insects that seem to find no greater pleasure in stinging people for no reason, and this is obviously very feasible, a word which here means that it makes perfect sense.

But, Aunt Josephine appeared to be afraid of EVERYTHING that she showed the children, and after a while, the children almost wished that they could be back at Count Vlad's house, cooking dinner for him, rather than listen to their aunt's endless warnings about everything from the radiator - which she said might explode, to the refridgerator - which she explained could fall and crush someone. Sam soon realized that her remark about Aunt Josephine having to be brave to live in a house like this was compleatly wrong.

After her tour, Aunt Josephine showed them their room, then explained that she needed to pick up ingrediants for a new chilled soup recipe that she wanted to try. Because she was afraid of cars, however, she and the children walked down to Dismal Dock to pick up supplies.

_I'm tired,_ Tucker signed to Sam once they were halfway down.

"You LOOK tired," Sam said, "And I can't blame you. Me and Danny are tired too."

"No, no," Aunt Josephine said, shaking her head. "It's 'Danny and I', NOT 'Me and Danny'. The latter of the two is bad grammar."

"And we are talking about grammar _why?_" Danny asked, clearly confused.

Aunt Josephine shook her head again. "Daniel, it is 'BECAUSE why', not just plain 'why'. I see we all need to work on our grammar."

"Oh boy, I just _love _grammar," Danny said, his voice dripping with sarchasm. Aunt Josephine, however, apparently took what he had said seriously, because she replied "I'm so glad that you three share my love of the english language. Grammar is truely the greatest joy in life, is it not?"

The siblings looked at one another. Everyone has different interests, and so everyone believes that a different thing is the greatest joy in life. Danny would tell you that ghosthunting was the greatest joy in life, and Sam would say writing poetry, and Tucker would sign to you that inventing and technology was best. I can tell you that writing is my greatest joy in life, but you may think that soccer or pottery is better. Everyone thinks that their favorite thing to do is best, and arguing, as the Fentons knew, got you nowhere, so rather than disagree with their aunt, they nodded their heads and were silent for the rest of the trip.

* * *

"Now, I need you three to pick up some limes and cucumbers for me while I go get supplies for the hurricane that is supposed to hit tonight." The orphans and their guardian had just gotten most of the needed items, and only needed the limes and cucumbers for dinner. Tucker, however, wasn't listening. He was busy looking at a radio and microphone in an old pawn shop.

_I'm going to go check out some of the stuff in here. They might wind up being useful for invention pieces,_ Tucker told his siblings. Danny and Sam nodded in agreement. "If you need us," Danny said, "We'll be over by the produce section." With that, the two children left on their search for the limes and cucumbers, leaving Tucker alone to go inside the pawn shop.

Tucker was pleased to find that the owner knew and understood sign language, and that he loved children who were entheusiastic about technology. Tucker explained what he needed - after much thought about what he was going to make - and the man helped him find the necessary parts. He was even kind enough to let Tucker use his workshop to create his device. Once finished, Tucker had what appeared to be a belt with wires and a pair of speakers attached to it, along with a pair of headphones, such as though a popstar might wear, but that actually would catch the movement of his mouth when he tried to say something. "Thank you," he told the shopkeeper in his new digitized voice. "You're very welcome," The shopkkeeper replied in a kind voice. With that, Tucker left to find his siblings.

Meanwhile, Sam and Danny had found both the limes and the cucumbers and were just about to pay for them when Sam ran into someone I hope that _you_ never have the misfortune of encountering.

"Is everything alright?" the man asked.

Danny recognized the person instantly and quickly replied "Yes, we're fine."

"Children?" Aunt Josephine called. "Is everything okay?" She seemed to notice the man standing there and said "Oh, hello. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, even though your daughter has just run into me. Sham's the name." With this, he tipped his hat to Aunt Josephine and shifted his weight, revealing a pegleg.

"Pleased to meet you," Aunt Josephine responded. "I'm Josephine. Josephine Anwhistle. And the children aren't really my daughter and son; they've lost both their parents, you see, so I've taken them in. The girl is Samantha Fenton, and the boy is her brother, Daniel. Their other brother, Tucker, seems to have run off."

"Nice to meet you two," Sham said, but his tone sounded as if he'd much rather _eat_ the orphans than meet them. "Allow me to take you back home."

"That's very kind of you," Aunt Josephine said, smiling politely. "Children, I'll just leave you to go get the rest of the supplies. Tucker! There you are, you gave me quite a fright by running off like that!" Indeed, Tucker had come back from his errand at the pawn shop, and surprised his siblings by saying "Sorry it took so long. Where's Aunt Josephine going with that person?" Sam gave Tucker a grave look as Sham turned around and waved goodbye to the children, smirking evilly. "Oh," Tucker said, for he too recognized the man taking Aunt Josephine back to her house as the man who had haunted the children's dreams ever since the fire that had destroyed their previous lives; the man who was really Count Vlad.

_CLIFFHANGER! OOOHHH NOOOOOO! AAAAAHHHHH! What'll they do, what'll they do, what'll they doooooooooooo?_

_Stay tuned to find out!_


	9. In which Josephine disappears

_Hello again. This chapter is going to be rather short, I'm afraid, but only because it ties together chapter seven and the next one after this. Please enjoy it, however, and stay tuned for updates from me. (Oh, and I don't own Aunt Josephine's Suicide Note. Lemony Snicket does.)_

_**Disclaimer:** This fanfiction is free of preservatives, dyes, Sodium Chloride, Tetrochlorophenol Sodium Hydroxide, artificial flavors, and any other thing that is not... natural. Except for the circumstances in which the charicters find themselves._ ;) _I can't say as much for the food at the Crazy Chicken, though!_

"Welcome to the Crazy Chicken, may I take your order?" The waitress stood next to their table dressed in a chicken suit. The Fenton orphans had returned from shopping and found, to their great dismay, not Aunt Josephine, but Count Vlad - or, as he insisted on being called, Julio. He had told them that their aunt was busy (which the orphans did not believe one bit), and had asked him to take the children out to dinner (which of course seems very fishy to the Fentons. They knew that they needed more time and evidence against Vlad, but they just didn't know how to get it.

The children decided to order a large chicken strips basket with ranch dressing to dip the strips in to share, but they planned to eat it later, since they were hungry, but preoccupied with their current situation. Danny thought about this as he stuck a hand into his pocket. It brushed against something papery, and Danny, surprised that he had forgotten about it, took out a small paper bag of malted milk balls out of his pocket, realizing that it was not such a bad thing that Mr. Poe had given them to him, after all.

Danny knew, of course, that if he were to eat even one, he would go into a mild form of anaphylaxtic shock - a medical term for the swelling of the tounge and throat due to an allergic reaction - but at this time Danny was not worried as he opened the bag and deftly - the word "deftly" here means "quickly, skillfully, and silently" - placed one malted milk ball into Sam and Tucker's laps.

Tucker looked at the the small candy and then at Danny, as if to say "Are you mad? You know that if I were to even take one nibble of this candy that I would break out in hives!", but Danny just gave him a serious look and Tucker quickly picked up on the general idea and smiled wryly. Sam also looked at the candy and gave Danny a look that clearly said "Hey, do you _want_ to kill me? If I were to so much as _lick_ this candy, I would have a serious asthmatic attack!" but she, too, picked up on Danny's plan. And so, waiting until the adults had their backs turned, the three children popped the candies into their mouths and waited.

The Fenton allergies - although, in this case, slightly delayed by the layer of chocolate coating - are famous for being fast-acting, and in mere moments the waitress noticed their reactions and called a cab, and soon the orphans finally had time to themselves.

As soon as the children had arrived at the house, they promptly entered the library and knew that something was very wrong. The room was ashambles, but this was not the major concern for the orphans. The window had been shattered to pieces, but, although distressing, this was not what made the orphans fall silent. And they could see the massive hurricane predicted for that evening closing in on them, a phrase which here means "ominously approaching with each passing second", but this was not what made the children shudder and break out in cold sweats. It was a note they had found tacked to the table that had caused them such great horror.

Danny picked up the note and tried to read as best he could with his swollen tounge. Just as he was about to start, however, Sam stopped him by saying "Maybe I -" here she paused to wheeze miserably "- should read it."

"No," Tucker said in his digitized voice, "I'll read it. You two are in no state to speak." With that, he began to read the note.

"My dear children," he began,

"By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end. My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find life inbearable. Your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what may have leaded me to this desparate akt. As my last will and testament, I place you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honerable men. Please think of me fondly, even though I'd done this terrible thing.

Farewell,

Aunt Josephine."

"Bluh, no," Danny said in shock. "NO!"

"She killed herself," Sam wheezed, her voice laden with dismay. "She committed suicide."

_CLIFFHANGER! Please do review. Yes, that's the actual note from the book, although I may have paraphrased slightly at the end there._


	10. In which the story ends

_Well, everyone, it's here. The long-awaited final chapter of "Paranormal Events". I'm already planning a sequel to this, since it garnered such an audience. Partial credit goes to Rocksunner (unless he changed his penname) for inspiring this story and this series. I'd also like to thank all of those who reviewed and helped me make this story better. Before we dive into the last chapter, I'd just like to say that I'll be posting some more ASOUE fiction this summer and fall before moving into a different fanbase. (I'll still be posting ASOUE stuff, just not as frequently.) Planned ASOUE stories include a Hooky romance story (sort of), A songfic of Violet's life if Olaf's marriage plan had worked, a series of four Christmas stories, A story of what truely happened to Ike, A story based on the board game by Viacom and Mattel, A future life tale involving the return of Olaf and Violet being seriously hurt, and more. The aforementioned different fanbase I'll be working on late this Fall and Winter is "The Nightmare Before Christmas", so Tim Burton fans have something to look forward to as well. THAT little area of work will contain the story of a girl (I didn't say FANgirl.) entering Halloween Town and helping Jack out with something (You'll see...), A Jack/Sally Songfic, and A reflect fic that shows the possible origins of our favorite skeleton. For now, however, just sit back, relax, and enjoy this last chapter. Oh, and Happy April Fool's Day!

* * *

_

"Aunt Josephine!" the children shouted in unison. "You're alive!"

"Oh, Children, I knew that you'd figure out my note! You're all so brilliant..." She paused to wipe tears from her eyes. "Now, come along, we must get the supplies out of your boat."

"Supplies?" Sam asked.

"What supplies?" Danny asked.

"You wanted us to bring supplies?" Tucker quieried, which is a fancy word for "asked."

"Well, of course," Aunt Josephine said matter-of-factly. "How else do you expect us to live here if we don't have food?"

"Live here!" Sam asked, confused and annoyed. " We can't _live_ here! You have to come back to town with us so everyone knoews that Vlad is lying!"

"I don't think so," Aunt Josephine replied, shuddering at hearing that vile man's name. I'm not going to have anything to do with that terrible man, and neither are you! I'm staying right here." The orphans sighed. Their aunt's mind was clearly made up, and when her mind was made up, she could be as stubborn as a mule, a phrase that has nothing to do with donkeys but instead meant that she was simply not going to do what the children had asked. Danny, however, had a trick up his sleeve. It was not a nice thing for him to do, but at this point, it was necessary, and of course 'nice' and 'necessary' are two totally different words and things.

"You know, Aunt Josephine," he said, knowing that his aunt would be scared out of her wits, "Curdled Cave is for sale."

"So?" their aunt said.

"So," Sam continued, picking up on Danny's idea, "Soon, people will come to look at it, and some of those people will be..." Here she paused for dramatic effect, then said in the most menacing voice she could muster "Realators."

Aunt Josephine's eyes grew wide with terror. "Okay," she said. "I'll go."

* * *

"Oh, dear," Aunt Josephine said, staring down into the lake's murky depths.

"My God, Aunt Josephine," Sam said in an exasperated - the word 'exasperated' here means "thoroughly tired of her aunt's ridiculous behavior" - tone, "What could possibly be wrong now?"

"We've just entered the territory of the Lachrymose Leeches."

"The WHAT?" Tucker's robotic voice asked in the most confused tone that it could.

"The Lachrymose Leeches," Aunt Josephine exlpained, "Are the number one killers of swimmers in this area, and how i became widowed."

"But leeches usually feed on blood, don't they? They normally don't hurt people.

"Not the Lachrymose Leeches. They eat flesh. They have several rows of very sharp teeth and an even sharper sense of smell, and if they smell food on a swimmer, they'll swarm." At this, Aunt Josephine shuddered.

The orphans glanced into the water nervously.

"I'm certain that the storm's driven them away," Sam said, sounding braver than she felt.

There are times when people can be correct, but this was not one of them. For as soon as Sam finished her sentance, there was a rippling on the smooth, glassy surface of the lake, causing the boat's occupants to gasp in terror. Aunt Josephine was too frightened to speak, but Sam yelled "Oh, my God!" as a large cluster of writhing, worm-like creatures surrounded the small boat.

"Relax, Sam," Danny said in a rather panicked voice, "They can't even get in the boat. See?" He pointed to one leech who was trying unsuccessfully to leap into the boat and get at its panicked meal. Suddenly, the entire crowd stopped jumping and swam off.

"What are they doing?" Tucker asked.

"They look like they're leaving," Sam said. "Perhaps they've seen something else more appetizing than a small wooden boat."

I'm sorry to say that Sam was wrong yet again, and could do nothing but scream as she watched in horror at the swarm redirecting back towards the boat and ramming into it at full force with an almighty _THWACK!_ A group of five leeches had been swimming so fast that they jumped clear over the side, landing in the floor of the vessel, except for one, which landed right on Aunt Josephine's arm and viciously began to chomp on her arm. She squealed in pain and horror, trying vainly to shake the leech off of her. Danny shot a searing blast of energy at the loathsome creature, burning it to a crisp and causing it to drop to the floor.

Aunt Josephine whimpered as the area where the leech had bitten her began to bleed profusely, causing the leeches outside and on the boat's floor to whip into a frenzy and swim off to ram the boat again. Danny took care of the remaining four leeches inside the boat, then prepared for the next attack.

"Good idea, Danny!" Sam said. "Keep blasting them. Maybe you can break up the swarm."

This idea worked for all of two seconds until the leeches wised up and simply dodged Danny attempts to get rid of them. "Crap," He muttered.

Suddenly, Sam yelled "Boat!" causing everyone to start frantically waving in the other boat's general direction.

If you have gotten this far in the story, I must assume that you know whatever happens next will not be pleasent, and you would, unfortunately, be correct, for as the boat reached the orphans, the group could see that the boat's sailor was none other than Count Vlad.

"Well, well, well," Vlad said, approaching menacingly. "Hello again, children. It would seem that you are in a bit of trouble. And Josephine, what a pleasent surprise." Aunt Josephine cringed as Vlad said her name. Without thinking, Danny stepped on board of Vlad's boat and pulled his aunt and siblings on.

The phrase "Between the Devil and the deep blue sea" is a common phrase which here means "Stuck in two troubling circumstances at once, and horribly terrified of both of them." Unfortunately, this phrase fits the circumstances of the Fenton orphans' predicaments perfectly, because between the devilish man that had tormented them for what seemed like their entire lives and the deep blue lake filled with hungry, annoyed leeches, the children and their aunt were absolutely terrified. Their aunt, however, was the only one taking her fear to the extreme.

"Please don't hurt me!" she whimpered. "You can have the fortune and the children, just please leave me alone!"

The children stared at her in horror, but Aunt Josephine was far too panicked to care what happened to the orphans at this point.

"I'll have to think on that," Vlad said, looking at Aunt Josephine as if he had already made up his mind. "I supposed I don't _have_ to throw you to the leeches down there."

Aunt Josephine was terribly frightened, but was _never_ too scared to correct someone's grammar. "It's 'suppose'," she said in a defeated tone.

"What?"

"You said 'I _supposed_ I don't have to throw you to the leeches.' You should have said _suppose._"

Vlad became very livid for a moment, then smiled a chilling smile. "Thank you," he said, "For correcting me." With one hand, he sailed further from the Fentons' ruined boat, and, with the other hand, he pushed Aunt Josephine into the deep blue lake and the devils within its depths.

In all of my research - and in all of my near escapes with the leeches - I have never found Aunt Josephine's body or the lifejacket that wore, but the orphans did not know what was to become of her as they sailed away with Count Vlad in his boat, and all they could do was watch as their aunt became smaller and smaller and eventually shrank from view beneath the lake's murky waves.

* * *

"How dreadful," Mr. Poe said, shaking his big, empty head. "I'm terribly sorry that happened. Aunt Josephine _seemed_ like a good guardian for you three."

The children had pulled up on shore and Vlad was about to drive off with them when Mr. Poe showed up to check on them. Vlad had told Mr. Poe a terribly phony sob story of how he rescued the children from the leeches (with much protest from the children, of course), but couldn't save their aunt. Mr. Poe, being the complete moron that he was, fell for this fish tale hook, line, and sinker.

"But he pushed her overboard!" Tucker protested.

"Why, Tucker, I had no idea that you could imitate a mechanical-sounding voice like that!" Mr. Poe said, clearly missing Tucker's point.

"Poor dears," Vlad said in mock sympathy. "They _have_ been through quite an ordeal; it's no wonder they're dilusional."

"We are _not_ dilusional!" Sam yelled, outraged. "Vlad pushed our aunt overboard and would've just as soon done the same to us!"

"You don't have proof of that," Vlad said under his breath.

"_They_ don't," Danny said, "But _I_ do." With that, he reached into his jean pocket and pulled out a tape recorder.

"What's that?" Mr. Poe asked.

"Danny sighed and shook his head. Adults could be so stupid at times. "This is a recorded conversation of Vlad talking to our aunt on the phone. Yes, I tapped the phone." He looked at Tucker and smiled. "On it is also a snippet of the conversation while we were in the boat of Vlad before he pushed our aunt overboard." Danny pushed rewind and then play, and vlad's unmistakable voice talked with their aunt's quite clearly through the speakers.

_You WILL write this suicide note, or you shall be joining your husband at the bottom of the lake._

_Oh, Al-al-alright... _There was a sigh followed by the scratch of a pen on paper and the sound of Aunt Josephine tacking the note to the table.

_You will NOT tell a soul about this, especially NOT those orphans._

Aunt Josephine whimpered, then responded with a single _yes, sir._

Danny fast forwarded to the next portion.

_I'll have to think on that. I supposed I don't HAVE to throw you to the leeches down there._

_It's 'suppose'._

_What?_

_You said 'I supposed I don't have to throw you to the leeches.' You should have said 'suppose'._

A long, awkward silence ensued for a few moments, then was broken by Vlad's chilling voice saying _Thank you for correcting me._

Sounds of squealing, splashing, and chomping were heard.

Mr. Poe gasped and lead the children away from Vlad.

"You children were right!" he said. "I'm calling the police!"

"You're forgetting one thing," Vlad countered.

"And what is that?"

"You're forgetting, my dear Mr. Poe," Vlad spat, "That I can run faster than you."

With that, Vlad ran as fast as he could, Mr. Poe in pursuit, but the children soon found that what Vlad had said was true. Mr. Poe was just too out of shape and too heavy to chase down notorious villains. He collapsed onto the ground, panting heavily.

"I'll be back for you, orphans!" Vlad yelled. "I'll be back when you least expect it. Every good actor returns for an encore!" Vlad laughed cruelly and jumped into his car, driving like a maniac away from the scene of the crime.

The orphans sighed at the prospect of Vlad having escaped for a third time to return another day and torment them. Again, they knew, they would move, and again he would show up and ruin their lives. For how many more times, they did not know. But there was one thing that they DID know. They had each other. Danny had his powers, Sam had her talent with reaserch and words and her unbreakable spirit, and Tucker had his mechanical prowess. Together, they thought, we can beat anything. Together, they thought, we _can_ beat the odds, and we _will_ survive.

There are times, dear reader, when a person can be down on themselves and others, and there are times when everything goes very wrong, both of which the Fenton orphans knew all too well. But everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, and although Vlad seemed strong now, the orphans knew that inside he had an a Achillies' Heel, a phrase which here means "small weakness that could bring him down." The orphans certainly looked weak, but inside, they were superhuman. I have my strengths and weaknesses, and you have yours, and another person you have not met yet has theirs, and so on, and so on.

Of course, the Fentons knew this all too well, and, even though they were not the types of people to look on the bright side, they knew that somehow, someday, they would find their way out of this maze of misfortune and break the series of unfortunate events that was their own lives.

* * *

_That's it. Hope you enjoyed my story. Sorry if the ending's a tad cheesy, but the original ending was even worse and FAR too lame to use as a proper ending to the story that has been my life's focus since the Summer of 2005. Stay tuned for a sequel that's coming out this Fall/Winter, or maybe even next YEAR. All I can say is "Phew!" I'm finally done and I can move on to other fanfictions! Writing something this big REALLY takes it out of you! So, since I slaved away over a pencil and pad of paper, and, more recently, a keyboard and Wordpad, please be considerate and review this final chapter. See all you ASOUE fans later, and I'll be seeing you NBC fans in Halloween Town._

_Until next time,_

_Sugary Snicket._


End file.
